Why You Betray Yourself First: Healing Childhood Wounds

𝗤𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝗧𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀:

• Childhood betrayals, often rooted in unmet needs or abandonment, create familiar patterns that we unconsciously seek out in adult relationships.
• The deeper impact of betrayal often stems from moments we betray our own intuition and inner knowing, leading to prolonged suffering and repeating cycles.
• Healing involves consciously exploring originating wounds, discovering disconnected parts of ourselves, and integrating them through practical processes like ADHERE.

The sting of betrayal is unlike any other pain. It leaves us feeling shattered, questioning everything we thought we knew about a person, a relationship, or even ourselves. But what if I told you that often, the first betrayal isn’t from someone else, but from within?

This profound insight struck me deeply during a recent conversation on 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗕𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗮 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄 with 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗥𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗱𝗶, a beacon in trauma healing and a pioneer in creating pathways to recovery. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 own arduous journey through various forms of abuse and early motherhood challenges led her to become an expert in understanding and healing betrayal trauma. Her perspective truly resonated with the core of my own work.

Why Do We Keep Attracting Betrayal?

When I asked 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 why betrayal leaves us so emotionally wrecked, she explained that it often traces back to our fundamental needs from childhood- to be seen, heard, loved, and accepted. When these needs aren’t met by those we depend on, it plants a seed of betrayal. Wounded people, who haven’t tended to their own pain, often wound others, and children are the most vulnerable recipients.

What truly fascinated me was 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 point that not everyone experiencing the same event perceives it as betrayal. It’s our unique perception that determines the depth of the wound. If we personalize someone else’s actions, the pain intensifies.

This leads to a heartbreaking cycle. A child whose needs were unmet, or who witnessed betrayal, grows into an adult who unconsciously attracts similar partners. As 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 put it, ‘What’s familiar’ becomes ‘what’s attractive.’ Our wounds become the magnet, drawing experiences that mirror our earliest understandings of relationships. We know logically we want something different, but if we don’t know how to attract different, we’ll keep repeating the pattern.

Is Self-Betrayal the Root of Your Pain?

Here’s where the conversation took an even deeper turn. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 emphasized that while someone else may betray us, we often betray ourselves first. We suspect something is wrong- that gut instinct whispers to us- but we choose to ignore it. We want so badly to believe the best, to hold onto a comfortable narrative, that we silence our inner knowing.

I immediately thought of my own past. I shared with 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 how I once followed a teacher, convinced he was my savior, my everything. Even when my soul questioned his actions, my mind, driven by a deep-seated need for belonging and guidance, told me to depend on him. Ultimately, he betrayed me, and I later realized that by ignoring my intuition, I had, in a way, betrayed myself first. This experience profoundly informed my journey and highlighted the critical importance of questioning everything, especially when a human claims divine authority.

This self-betrayal can manifest in small ways too, like choosing to eat something unhealthy when you know it will harm you. It’s about letting desire or autopilot override conscious choice. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 challenged us to bring more consciousness into our lives, to slow down and ask, ‘Why am I doing this? What am I not seeing?’

Healing Your Body and Mind from Trauma

Betrayal trauma doesn’t just live in our minds; it manifests physically, leading to panic attacks, sleepless nights, overeating, or even chronic pain. Our bodies don’t lie. As 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲, who specializes in integrated bodywork, explained, when our system goes into fight-or-flight, our ability to think clearly shuts down.

Recognizing the immediate need for tools, 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 created the ‘I’m Triggered Pocket Guide.’ She shared a simple yet powerful 4-step process to calm a panic attack or intense triggered state:

1. 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗽: Don’t make any decisions while in an activated state.
2. 𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲: Shift your breathing. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 suggests two quick inhales and a long exhale to slow the rhythm.
3. 𝗠𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗘𝘆𝗲𝘀: Find three objects, preferably in nature, and keep your eyes moving. This helps unfreeze your state.
4. 𝗥𝗲𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹-𝗪𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀: Think of someone or something that makes you feel safe, loved, or inspired. This can calm your nervous system.

Once calm, we can then dive deeper into understanding the root of the trigger.

For a more comprehensive approach to healing, 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 introduced her ‘ADHERE Process,’ an acronym that stands for:

• 𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗼𝗿𝗲: What thoughts, closed-off emotions, or symptoms are you experiencing?
• 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿: Identify the parts of yourself, often from a younger age, that experienced the original trauma.
• 𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗹: Through a guided process, re-enter a safe space, connect with that younger part, and give it everything it needed but didn’t receive. Make a commitment to never abandon that part of yourself again.
• 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲: Bring that healed part of yourself back into your present being, making you more whole.
• 𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲: Over time, learn to relate to the world from this new, healed, and integrated place, attracting healthier relationships.

This process, detailed in 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 book, ‘Abundance Beyond Trauma,’ helps us reclaim the parts of ourselves that disconnected as a coping mechanism, ultimately fostering deeper self-trust.

Building a New Foundation of Trust

If you’ve never experienced a healthy relationship, building one as an adult can feel daunting. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 advice is powerful: ‘You have to keep working on yourself so that I’m not betraying myself first and foremost.’ This internal work changes your vibration, shifting what you send out and attract.

She encourages researching healthy relationships, observing positive dynamics, and most importantly, being true to you first. When you build a solid relationship with yourself, you’re less likely to step into old dynamics. It’s a journey of continuous learning, compassion for yourself and others, and an unwavering commitment to your own healing. As 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲 said, ‘Healed people, heal people.’ And it all starts with us.

If this conversation resonated with you, I would love for you to listen to the full episode of 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗗𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗕𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗮 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄. 𝗝𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 wisdom is truly transformative, and her practical tools offer a clear path forward for anyone grappling with the pain of betrayal.

If you’re looking for practical guidance beyond today’s article, my book, 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗮𝗹 𝗘𝗥™, was written as emotional first aid for women who have been betrayed by people, power, or systems. It is not about rushing your healing. It is about helping you stabilize, think clearly, and make grounded decisions when your world feels uncertain. You can find 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗮𝗹 𝗘𝗥™ on Amazon at: 𝗕𝗲𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗮𝗹 𝗘𝗥™.